10.19.2005

Dear readers,

This will be my last post on this blog. And very possibly my most intimate entry ever. Let me begin with a story, J was an 18 year old who never quite lived the ordinary 18 year old's sort of life. J had problems that somehow never seemed to bother his peers, J worked his ass off, always fearing he would lose out to someone else somehow. J believed in love, and in building a family. J always gave his all when it came to love, or so he thought. Things always seemed to hit J, every now and then, J would meet someone, or something would happen to J, so much so that J pretty much wondered every night "WHY" J never got the answer he wanted, but he prayed. Deep inside, he spoke to the one above, he asked many questions. J just had so many doubts and queries about life, why was it that life seemed so much more difficult for him? J always thought maybe everyone else was just better at covering up than him.

Until 3 days ago, J met The One. Things moved extremely quickly, J was in lurrrve. Everything was right. Time must have stopped cause J couldn't remember how long everything lasted for. J felt so safe, secure, happy, sweet. Nothing else mattered. Nothing. Pity things had to happen and J still blames himself so much for it. (Author's note: J is never going to forgive himself)

From J to M: I know you're never going to read this, maybe that's why I'm actually writing it because I can say anything I want. I have never fallen so fast, so much for anyone. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful 2 nights that I can only reminisce about from now on. Thank you for trying. Thank you for doing all that you did those 2 nights. I want to believe at that point of time, we were 2 young souls really in love. And so, thank you. Even if it was just for those 2 nights, I thank you very much for they will always remain deeply etched in the remnants of my heart. I hope you will look back on those nights and smile too, just like how I do. I don't ask for you to love me cause I know you tried and you have your problems, I fully understand. I just ask for you to remember me, somehow, if not my name, remember my face, if not my face, remember my body, if not my body, remember my voice, something, anything. That's all you have to do and I'll be happy. Really.

Alright readers, just a short story to share with you all, which brings me to the reason why this will be my last entry. I have been going through alot of shit lately, don't give me that "Not again" or "Drama mama" face cause more so than any of you, I know how ridiculous everything sounds. But you're not me so shut the fuck up. For me, my life has pretty much stopped- from now on, whatever you hear or see about me will be the new Jon. The old Jon has died.

Just want to share this final song with all of you, our song.

IT MIGHT BE YOU (Stephen Bishop)

Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life
Lying on the sand watching seabirds fly
Wishing there could be someone
Waiting home for me

Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you
All of my life

Looking back as lovers go walking past
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last
If I found the place would I recognize the face

Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you
So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake and there's so much love to make

I think we're gonna need some time
Maybe all we need is time
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you and
I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life
It's you, it's you I've been waiting for all of my life
Maybe it's you Maybe it's you I've been waiting for all of my life


Until my next blog- goodbye guys.

signing off, da hunk, Jonathan at 9:39 AM

{xoxo}

10.18.2005

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

Chorus:
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me




I give up. I can't take it anymore. I'm not Superman. I have emotions. I don't wanna put up this front. I can't do it. I finally found you. But this has to happen. It's all my fault. I'm so stupid. I don't deserve no shit. Work's piling like mad. Did everything wrongly. Why am I so dumb. I'm only 18 but I have to deal with all this shit. Fuck I chose this path myself.

FUCK EVERYTHING!!!

signing off, da hunk, Jonathan at 10:54 AM

{xoxo}

10.14.2005

I am a survivor!

I have already, on countless occasions, established the fact that my life is one big soap opera. However, lately, I've caught myself thinking about it and I can't help but feel amazed at how dramatic my life is. Those of you who have been through it with me, here's a shout out to you- Thank you.

And, really, I think you guys have gotta give it to me this time round, I've really grown up, I'm especially proud of how I've handled the countless obstacles Life has thrown me of late. Come on now, dear friends, praise me!


Can I also add that I'm actually quite strong mentally and physically? I've been surviving on 4 hrs of sleep daily for as long as I can remember.

signing off, da hunk, Jonathan at 1:06 AM

{xoxo}

10.09.2005

It's over- my biggest dream since I was a kid.

Lived, breathed, dreamt it.

It's all over now AND ITS DISAPPOINTING PLUS PISSIFYING CAUSE I DUN SEE WHY I DIDN'T GET IN.

I gave up anyway, long story.

signing off, da hunk, Jonathan at 1:23 AM

{xoxo}

10.07.2005

Tomorrow's the audition for Super Host, wish me luck guys!

signing off, da hunk, Jonathan at 10:49 PM

{xoxo}

10.05.2005

I'm OK, really.

Everything's fine.

signing off, da hunk, Jonathan at 11:09 AM

{xoxo}

10.04.2005

Today's motion: Should honesty (after a pack of lies) be rewarded or penalised?


Note to self: I am upset because I feel immensely cheated, all the conversations we've had, secrets shared, suppers had- and you never told me?! You portray the innocent image but now when I look back at your "history", I gotta say it's not as innocent as it should be. I am not gonna judge you on that, what I am gonna judge you on is how you could blatantly lie all these while, and act as though nothing ever happened. I believed you. I really did. I spoke of you with such astounding faith and confidence that when I think back now, I just feel so stupid. I can't believe I never saw the signs, never read the clues. A large part of me wants to forgive and forget because you are my best friend- but the image of the two of you keeps reappearing in my head, I can't get it out, I can't forget all the times we were together and you were lying to me all these while?! That royally sucks. I get what you're trying to say, I understand your explanation but my heart says "No, you're a f u c king scumbag."

You may ask am I having such a big reaction just because it's her? I don't deny that, but more so because it's YOU (who lied)

signing off, da hunk, Jonathan at 10:04 AM

{xoxo}